Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Happy things from 2012 so far; or, Self Therapy

 Jamie did this to herself... while I laughed at her :P 

I wrote this tidbit of wonderment... 

...and they put it in "KnittingToday!" 

I made this and wore it to Stitches. 


How I would describe myself after the two things above... (BTW this car belongs to a knitter :D) 

And we can fix that with this and this:

It's been almost 7 months that I've lived in LA now. I'm still getting used to it, but I can see how I might end up liking it. I can also see how I might just be happier in the bay area. What I reallyreallyreally need is to force myself to get out of my own head, stop feeling sorry for myself that the job didn't pan out at all, and grow back my self confidence. I'm getting there. It feels like I haven't done nearly enough in the last year and a half because I still have the same goals and things have been discouraging, but I've gained experience.

The host of milestones that were strongly suggested I achieve before attaining "adulthood" are mostly behind me, but I'm still struggling with knowing and owning and maximizing what I have to offer to society. I have peers that run the gamut; from working full time or almost done with law school, to still poking at an undergrad. Comparing and contrasting myself with them only turns a circle and makes me realize that what they tell you in Kindergarten is really true, if you take it with a grain of salt. I can do, go, be, anything and anywhere I want. Strangely enough, that's completely paralyzing. 

In the past I've thought of myself as someone who moves on easily, but I made a decision (that wasn't easy, but seemed perfectly clear) and found myself in Oz... or LA-LA-land... or just a freakin' hot mess, without a partner in crime. So I am ashamed to admit I took being laid off as an invitation to hole up in my apartment. Why not get in bed for a while, stay warm snuggled up next to fear under the denial blanket? But when I peek out from under the denial I realize that I actually decided to walk the tightrope without checking it for frays, or the safety net for holes. Ooops. 

What you should be getting through my mess of metaphor is that I'm kicking myself for being impulsive with my decision to uproot for a job and to rely too much on one person, but I'm gaining confidence in my ability to build back up the things that made life more enjoyable and made me feel worthwhile before I moved. Work and friends and church will make me feel better than sleeping in and netflix and emotional eating.